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08:32pm 13/06/2006
  Oh shit.

A lot has happened but I'm just gonna concentrate on what's going on RIGHT NOW, ok?

Well like almost three weeks ago, Jared moved back to Kokomo. He came back to visit the first weekend after he moved and it was awful. We argued, we're shitty to each other, and we barely had any physical contact whatsoever. He still doesn't have a job and has only given me $40 since she's been born (9 months).

So this past Friday, I broke up with him.

Right now, I am a super fantastic mess. Seriously, it's bad.

Alexandra lives with me because since we aren't married, I have full custody. So I've been going to school 40 hours/week (8 hour days) for almost two months and coming home and being alone with a baby. Literally, NO FRIENDS. And with Jared being gone even when we were still together, I was still miserably lonely. I am just overstressed and Jared and I's relationship was such shit that the only thing that would come from it would have been a messed up kid. We argued everyday! He made me feel like such shit! I was lonely with and without him except now, I'm just 100% alone.

But when I would try to break up with Jared in the past he wouldn't quit trying to get me to change my mind. He would always win and shit would go back to normal. Well, this time it's like he doesn't even care. And that alone kinda stupidly hurts my feelings that he doesn't even wanna TRY to get me back. I'm also pretty sure that he is seeing someone else. That could just be all in my mind but I seriously wouldn't put it past Jared to do something like that.

I am such a mess! I can't stop crying. I hate waking up and I can't wait to get back into bed. I so miserable t's not even real. Jared is out doing whatever the fuck he wants when I'm at home taking care of OUR kid or at school. That's why I want Jared to sign his rights over. I just want him out of my life altogether. If he's not good enough for me then he's not good enough for my daughter, right???

But at the same time I really DIDN'T want to break up with Jared. I love him a lot. I mean having a child together and raising her together has given me a different kind of "closeness" with him. I didn't want to leave him at all, but I HAD to. Does that make sense? We were just a mess but I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. But why does he have to be such an idiot or not even give a shit about his life?!?! I care about his life but I just can't be in charge of it.

Damnit, I am so sick of this shitty luck.

I doubt I will be able to date for at least two to three years. If then, even. And not only do I not really want too, I don't have the self-esteem to date ever again. For all I'm concerned, I'm just a boring mom who got knocked up when she was a teen.

I just want everything to go away.

.....

I didn't post this on myspace cause well, Jared could have read it. So those of you who care enough to actually read my melodramatic boring life that I super suck at living..... thank you. I love you guys a whole lot.
 
     
5 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
05:24pm 25/02/2006
  This ins't going to be long because I have a fidgety five month old on my lap and no other time to write this.

Well, as of last night... I'm a single sterotypical teenager mother. And I've never been more scared in my life.

I know I can do this by myself. But now, I'm getting the serious case of "I miss him". And I shouldn't.

I mean seriously, he is such an asshole to me that my mother had to tell him that the way he talks to me is completely inappropriate. Last night when he was giving Lexi her bath this is what we discussed....
Me- " It's important for you two to have bonding time. You are the most important man in her life."
Jared- "I'm the most important person in her life."
Me- "What?"
Jared- "Well you don't think that you are, do you?"

I mean it's just little stuff that adds up. Plus he's been jobless I think Alexandra's entire life, he STILL doesn't have his GED. And he's back to talking about how he would "stick it" to other girls.

I'm also scared because what decent, honorable, hard-working man is ever gonna respect, let alone date a 19 year old mother???

I don't want another relationship now. I don't even think I remember how to date. I'm just honestly all alone now that Jared is out of my life. I TRULY only have Alexandra, mom, dad, and Hobbes. No one else.

I love Jared but there comes a time when I need to love myself more. But now, fuck, I am so horribly lonely.

I swear sometimes that god is a mean little kid with a big magnifying glass and I'm the little ant.

I want my life back.
 
     
7 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
08:32pm 19/01/2006
  First off, my mom is alright. Well, kinda. She's still in a lot of pain but at least she didn't have a heart attack.

The doctors don't know what's wrong with her. They thought it was extremely horrible acid reflux where the pain was just present in her right shoulder and hand but that wasn't it. Now they're thinking that it might be a torn rotator cuff or maybe something wrong with her gullbladder. She just had an MRI today so all we can do is wait.

My health... now that's a different story.

I got my depression meds changed. The last one was DEFINATELY a bunch of shit. It was actually making me more depressed. Suicidal thoughts even so I immediately quit taking it. Now I'm back on Zoloft which has been the only thing to actually work for me so far. Hopefully no sexual side effects though!!! Anywho, I mentioned to the doctor that ever since I had my daughter I have been having excrutiating back pain. Sometimes it would even immobilize me. Which I definately can't have. And then I mentioned to him that I had an epidural (for those who don't know... it's a pain medication that is injected into the backbone through the spinal cord with about 4 different needles). The epidural itself was a complete sucess. But now, he says that I need a MRI. Apparently, I probably have a cist on my spinal cord. Which means heavy duty back surgery. Double shit.

If I have to have back surgery... do you know what this means?!?!?! First off, I'll have to be off my feet for WEEKS. I already took my leave from school when I had Alexandra. You only get one. No more. And if you miss more than 10 consecutive days, you're kicked out left paying $11,892. So I'm scared. But I'm doing what I always do and I'm freaking out about something that I'm not even sure about. Hopefully it's nothing.

Jared went to Kokomo today with the munchkin. I'll be joining him tomorrow when I get out of school. We're gonna try and get ahold of Nichole. She still hasn't even seen a picture of Alexandra and her middle name is named after Ziegler!!! Then Saturday Jared's sister is getting baptized and later that night I was informed, I am dyeing Keith's hair. Fun. As long as he is paying for the crap and giving me a burnt CD, I don't give a hoot really. It makes me feel kinda special that my friends are asking me to help them out. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing this for a reason and not just doing it to drive myself insane.

Well, I'm gonna give myself a pedicure before I hit the hay early tonight.

Thank you to all of my friends who gave me encouraging words about my mom. That means so flippin much. Cause I know that my mom was a 2nd mom to lotsa people. My mom is a wonderful woman who drives me crazy every now and then. But she says it's too keep me on my toes. Dork.

G'night!
 
     
4 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
07:16am 10/01/2006
  FUCK!!!

I know I bitched a lot in the last entry but I'm in need of this one.

This was supposed to be my three days to relax, right? So that I could get extra rest so I can do some serious time at school, right? Well that sure as fuck went to hell now didn't it.

Last night around 9:30-10:00 I was in the bathroom and my mom comes knocking on the door.
"Andrea, honey, your father is taking me to the hospital."
"WHAT?!?! WHY?!?!"
"Well I've been having this pain and now it's going through my arm and my hand is numb."

My mother had a fucking heart attack.


Right now, I actually don't know what's going on. It's almost 7:30 in the morning and the only thing dad said to me about her was "They're still doing tests." What they hell does that mean!?!? She might have not had a heart attack so all I can do is pray.

Jared has been amazing through it though. I can't believe I ever doubt his love for me. Even though he's 120 miles away right now, he's so close to me. He's been calling and checking up. I wasn't gonna call him this morning cause he said his mom was gonna take Lexi so he could sleep in. But then he just called me to make sure that I am ok. As at least all of my friends know, my mother means everything to me. I can't raise my daughter without my mom. I NEED HER!!!! My mother is a fantastic mother and she's been my guiding light with Alexandra. Seriously, I don't know what I would do if I lose her.

But for now, I have to go to school. Bullshit.

I'm not religious but I feel that God just took a shit on me.
 
     
3 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
01:45pm 09/01/2006
  Ulgh... rough times, rough times.

*Warning: this entry contains explicit details of my lack-of sex life*

I dunno where to start. Let's start off happy, shall we? Jared went to Kokomo for probation shit and took the little one. He won't be back until Wednesday so I finally FINALLY have a break. But now, I'm bored. I have a million things that I wanted to do but no energy to do it. So I've plopped in front of the tv and turned on Fuse. Anyhow, I'm alone for a few days which I desperately needed.

Ok, happy time over.

After Lexi was born, my depression started coming back full force. And it's not postpartum. It's my clinical shit. So I talked to my doctor and he started me on this shit called Cymbalta. It's making me sick but I can stand it. What I can't stand are the other side effects. Sexual side effects. I know that people say "Sex isn't important in a relationship... blah blah blah" Yeah well fuck you. Jared and I haven't had sex since prolly a week or two before New Years. That's not cool. I have NO sex drive whatsoever. We try... and then fail. It has nothing to do with him, it's totally all me. See, having sex kinda makes me still feel desired and gooey crap like that. Which is important to feel that way especially with my self-esteem issues, the fact that I just popped out another human out of my body, and the depression. It's really starting to take it's toll. And the doctor said I have to keep taking these pills until my next visit with him. Which isn't until the very end of this month. We have seriously tried everything.... nothing is working!!!! GAH!!!

I also found myself last week noticing that I just might be falling out of love with Jared. He noticed it yesterday and then started crying. It was great. Not. I dunno, I knew this would be hard maintaining a healthy relationship with him and juggling everything else in my life. But I guess I just didn't prepare myself enough. It's almost as if I find myself thinking "Is it even really WORTH it anymore!??!" I love Jared deeply but our relationship just... sucks! There's NO romance, we argue, he's an asshole... and we're both just unbelieveably stressed out. I want a life makeover.

So not only can I not get in the mood, I'm losing faith in my family. This growing up shit is bogus.
 
     
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03:07pm 01/01/2006
  Welp... last night was interesting.

Jared and I didn't have Alexandra. THANK GOD! My mom was kind enough to take her. Jared and I haven't had a night together without her since she was born. That's a week shy of 4 months. We definately needed it. Although Lexi didn't go to bed for my mom until 2 in the morning. I don't care. I didn't have to deal with her ;)

Keith came down just to spend New Year's with me. We've never partied before (the whole bun in the oven thing isn't a good idea to mix with alcohol and all). He gave up a whole lot of people and parties to come be with me and that really touched me. He gave up some parties where he would have had a lot more fun at. Randy (Jared's roomate) and his uncle came down that night. Randy has been in Kokomo since December 18th.

They wanted to start drinking at like 4. I didn't want too cause I know that I tend to get drunk too fast. So I waited prolly until 6. We watched two really stupid movies, played some video games, listened to music... But Keith didn't really want to start cramming down the alcohol until after midnight cause he knew his mom would call. I barely made it to midnight. I was so fucking tired. So the ball drops and Keith says Happy New Year to his mom. Within 45 minutes, Keith was completely beligerent. It was hilarious!!! But, I'm boring (make that SUPER boring) now so I ended up crashing at 1. While Keith in the meantime was calling up everyone in his phone. He was singing and yelling. He actually emptied out one of Jared's expensive shaving creams into the bathtub. We didn't find that till this morning!!

I'm sorry Keith that I'm a bummer. If you would have started when I did we would have had a lot more fun!!!!!!!

I have New Year's resolutions this year unlike my usual routine of blowing that shit off. But I'm not gonna tell anyone what they are just in case I don't meet them. I don't like whiners (cough Jared cough).

But for now, I'm getting in the shower and then we're going back to Jared's. I hope everyone had a great New Year's!!!!!
 
     
2 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
11:58am 25/12/2005
  Christmas is a pain in my ass.

Last night coming home from Kokomo we knew we weren't gonna get home until like 11. Well there was fog. Thick fucking heavy shit. We didn't get home until like 1. So I just stayed the night with him and we came over to my house at 8 this morning. But seriously, that fog was INSANE. But Jared knew that I wanted to get home for Christmas so he braved it. That boy loves me so :)

Alexandra is in Heaven. She got so spoiled this Christmas. All kinds of toys. It's absolutely adorable to see her laugh and play and just be a baby. She warms my heart so much. So unbelieveably much.

I didn't get much but I got more than expected! I don't care that I didn't get mass amounts though. My mom and dad bought me "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", "Labrynth", the White Stripes CD, Nine Inch Nail's cd With Teeth, some pants, a shirt, lottery tickets, A far side wall calendar, some jewelry, and candy. Then Jared's parents bought me the Lucky You perfume. His mother's mom bought me Clinque Happy perfume (apparently I stink???). Jared's sister and her boyfriend got me a huge bath set that smells like sweet pea. And Jared got me a GREEN Volcom zip-up hoodie. It's fuckin awesome. He was so worried that he wasn't gonna do good because his funding is limited (like I'd care if I got something from Dollar General!!). He did spend a little too much on it though. It was $65. But I love it and he loves it on me and that's all that matters! I got him Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because he is a smidge obsessed with Johnny Depp. Plus that was our last date we went on. Before Lexi was born.

So today we're pigging out with my parents and then my sister is comin tomorrow. I can't wait to see my little Nephew!! He's almost 6 months old!!! I'm excited. And New Year's should be fun. Jared's roomate (Randy)'s uncle gave us a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps for Christmas. It's weird but hey, we'll put it to use.

ASHLEIGH BROWN GOT ARRESTED!!!!
Bought time. I hate that fucking bitch. I hope she gets some hard time for supplying Josh druge when she KNEW his heart couldn't handle it anymore.

And apprently Heather Louthen has passed. That's horrible. Everyone was always so so so fucking mean to her just cause she was fat. I remember helping her with the dances during "Annie Get Your Gun". That's unbelieveable. I give her family my deepest sympathy. They've had a rough time in the past 5 or 6 years. God be with them.

Well, my daughter and fiance are sleeping. I should prolly take advantage of that, huh??

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!..... or whatever.....
 
     
1 dream| tell me your dreams
 
   
09:07pm 09/12/2005
  I know I suck. Sorry yet again.

Hmmm... I'm not even sure what all has happened since the last time I posted. I know Alexandra is doing much better. We had to change her from soy milk to an even more protein broken down formula which costs a buttload. For a while we thought that wasn't even working and that we would have to change again. And the formula we thought we were gonna have to change to had to be special ordered from a pharmacy and it was $140 for 4 cans. 4 cans won't even last a month. So thank holy jesus that she didn't have to do that.

Today is my Keithipoo's birthday. A whoppin 19. YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL DRIVING TO PURDUE!!!!!

Goodness, Christmas is gonna be crazy this year. I'm not getting any gifts or anything like that cause I would rather my parents spend money on my daughter than me. But that's not a problem at all. But on the 18th I gotta drive Jared to Kokomo for his Grandma Mote's birthday/christmas and then drive back by myself the next day cause he has court two days after that. Then on Christmas Eve we gotta drive back to Kokomo for his Daily side of the family's Christmas and then drive back later that night. Spend Christmas Day with my family and then the 26th my sister, her husband and 5 kids are comin over. That should be fun. My sister might get me a gift card or something but I still hope she spends her money on Lexi instead of me. I'm no Scrooge :)

But I tell you what... this snow SUCKS!!!! School got cancelled for me today. My parents weren't gonna let me drive there anyhow if it was open so it was all good. Jared was over here helping me with Alex yesterday when the snow hit so he got snowed in and had to stay the night. Which was fun. It was the first time my parents let him stay the night and even sleep in my bed. Even though we have a baby together you would think they know that he and I have sex, right? Duh.

Today was Alex'a first big snow. So we bundeled her up really warm and took her outside for less than five minutes just so she could see it. We had her in a baby snowsuit so Jared just plopped her in the snow. She accidentially made a snow angel. It was soooooooooo precious. That little baby is just the sweetest little thing in the world. AND SHE IS FINALLY SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!

By the way, two days ago she turned 3 months. We had her Christmas pictures taken. She looked so fucking adorable. But the stupid dumbass Olan Mills (NEVER GO THERE!!!) fucked us over and we didn't get the picture that we liked the best. There was one where she was laying in a tiny little red sled with a santa hat on and she was playing with some tinsel. GOD WAS IT CUTE!!! But no... we couldn't pick that one.... bastards.

Wow... I just talked a buttload about my daughter. I'm so lame.

In the life on me nothing is really new. Oh, I have/had bronchitis. So Lexi had to stay with Jared for a few days. My mom was flippin out that Lexi was gonna get it cause my sister died of bronchitis when she was 7 weeks old. No big deal. I got extra sleep which rocked.

About a week ago Jared and I had this huge fight. It was bad. And it was in front of Alexandra. Which I know that even as little as she is, she knew what was going on. It can emotionally scar children so believe me, I felt like shit and all I could do was cry. But things between us have been a whole lot better. We're getting along great and he is being really helpful. Not to mention HE'S FINALLY TAKING GED CLASSES!!!! He can take his GED in January. But he wants to take the pretest first just for confidence. I know he can do it. And once he finally gets it he will be so proud of himself.

Ok... this is long and since I don't have Alex tonight... I'm gonna take advantage of that. Goodnight!!!
 
     
3 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
10:52am 25/11/2005
  I'm updating simply because I'm freakin out.

Something isn't right with Alexandra.

*WARNING- THIS ENTRY CONTAINS GROSS DETAILS.*

As I think I said in my last entry, she has been having some tummy trouble. Well this fucking soy formula was supposed to start working three days ago. She didn't poop for almost 48 hours and when she did (this morning) it was just a little bit and it was really dark green. Which for you non-parents out there... that's really really really not good. Her bowel movements are supposed to be a yellow/goldish. She did quit spitting up however.

So while we were in Kokomo for Thanksgiving, Jared's mom (Tish) told me that she noticed Lexi was a little clammy. Not feverish, just clammy. And she told me that if she were me she would call her doctor Friday (which is today). I didn't think too much of it... that maybe Tish was freakin out. So Jared and I talked and decided (since she didn't poop at all yesterday) that if she didn't poop this morning or that if it she did but it was green that we would call the doc then. Well after I changed her diaper I called the office. AND IT'S FUCKING CLOSED!!!! They closed early Wednesday, closed Thursday and Friday for fucking Thanksgiving. Even my school was only closed for Thanksgiving. Seriously, how long does it take to eat a fucking turkey?!?!?! GAH!

So, I'm super freaking out cause they aren't open until Monday and my parents are hundreds of miles away and won't be back until Sunday.

What if something is really wrong with her!?!? Her doctor said there were other serious possibilities that don't include her being allergic to her milk.

I totally need a vacation all to myself.
 
     
6 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
06:59pm 22/11/2005
 
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:Andrea Rachel
Birthday:April 25, 1986
Birthplace:Marion County, Indiana
Current Location:Connersville, Indiana
Eye Color:bright flippin blue
Hair Color:uhmmm... natural?? I dunno. A sandy blonde I think.
Height:hahahahaha..... 5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:I am always right
Your Heritage:Mostly Hungarian
The Shoes You Wore Today:Shoes I found in a dumpster :P
Your Weakness:boys who play rock instruments or sing *yummie!
Your Fears:death, failure
Your Perfect Pizza:Tostada from Pizza Shack
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Try not to kill my boyfriend
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:Hardly use it.
Thoughts First Waking Up:"oh dear GOD please don't let Alex wake up yet!!"
Your Best Physical Feature:my eyes
Your Bedtime:hahahaha.... I have seen so little of my bed lately...
Your Most Missed Memory:How can you miss a memory?? My fondest memory is my daughter being born.
Pepsi or Coke:I am a total Coke addict
MacDonalds or Burger King:Ulgh... gag.
Single or Group Dates:Haven't been on a date in such a long time that I forget.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:PUKIE!!!
Chocolate or Vanilla:Why not both?
Cappuccino or Coffee:Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:Like a chimney
Do you Swear:Like a sailor
Do you Sing:Used too. I miss it more than anyone will EVER know.
Do you Shower Daily:Why wouldn't I? Ew.
Have you Been in Love:Couple times. I think it's overrated.
Do you want to go to College:I attend. Not a real college though. Just beauty school.
Do you want to get Married:Uhmm... yes and no. I'm about too though. *faint*
Do you belive in yourself:As a mother. Anything else... no.
Do you get Motion Sickness:nope!
Do you think you are Attractive:nope!
Are you a Health Freak:hahahahaha.... what the hell is a vegatable?? hahaha.
Do you get along with your Parents:I do now.
Do you like Thunderstorms:'Effin LOVE em!
Do you play an Instrument:Piano and a tiny bit of guitar. My voice used to be my instrument.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Fuck yeah.
In the past month have you Smoked:Smoked what??? :P
In the past month have you been on Drugs:I don't classify it as a drug.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Not technically.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:nope. I have no life.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:I wish I had that kind of time.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:FUCK NO!!!
In the past month have you been on Stage:Nope.
In the past month have you been Dumped:Nope.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:In November? Yeah... and I stick barbed wire up my ass.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:nope.
Ever been Drunk:Who the hell hasn't???
Ever been called a Tease:Hello... I'm a teenage mom.
Ever been Beaten up:Eh, boys are stupid.
Ever Shoplifted:Got arrested when I was 16 at Wal-Mart.
How do you want to Die:Old in my sleep.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:I am grown up. And I don't get that choice anymore.
What country would you most like to Visit:Hungary. Budapest to be exact.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Green
Favourite Hair Color:Blonde/Brown
Short or Long Hair:Either/or
Height:taller than me.
Weight:not too chunky!
Best Clothing Style:I don't care too much.
Number of Drugs I have taken:Fuck. Uhmmm.... 6??
Number of CDs I own:Not enough.
Number of Piercings:3. Used to be 4 but the tounge shit HURTS!!!
Number of Tattoos:Soon to be one.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!
 
     
6 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
06:58pm 22/11/2005
  Oh my flippin monkey ass I am SO sorry I haven't updated in... uhm... forever!!!

But GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I got the internet back at my house!!! On a non-shitty computer too!!! Ahh!!! I'm so happy.

Plus, I got a new icon. Sorry it's not all that great of a picture. But hey, I was drunk. But that is definately me :)

Jared and I are coming to Kokomo tomorrow. I'm hoping my parents won't be pissed if we (Lexi and I) stay the night with Jared tonight. So that way I can skip school (cause I don't have a sitter tomorrow) and just have it SO much easier in the morning. My 'rents are leaving for Michigan tomorrow as well. They'll be gone until Sunday so Keith BETTER come down and throw a couple of shots down with me! Tee hee hee.


What is new? What is new??? Hmmmm.... My daughter is huge. She went to the doctor yesterday and she is now 23 1/2 in long and 11 lbs 11oz. She is ALMOST 3 months old. She laughs, smiles, squeals, and wants to talk SO FLIPPIN BAD. But something is apparently not ok with her. She might be allergic to milk. We had to put her on soy milk for now and change the type of nipples she uses on her bottles. Hopefully that's what's wrong with her. *shudder* I don't even want to THINK of it being something worse. But needless to say, she didn't get to get her shots yesterday.

Lexi talks more than I do. That a wee bit too much.

I'm so happy right now. Except for Jared won't take Lexi all night for me. I haven't had a night COMPLETELY away from her in at least 3 weeks. That's stressful.

I switched from a full time student to a part time student. Which is only a 6 hour a week difference but to a teenage mother, that's a lifetime. So now when I get home from school I don't want to just collapse. Here is my normal school day.
6:00A- Wake up if Lexi hasn't woke me up already.
7:30A- Leave for school
8:30A- School "starts"
12:30P- Leave school
1:30P-5:30P- Take care of Lexi completely alone
5:30P- Jared comes over to help or I go to his house with Alex
8:00P- Try getting Alex to go to bed
Sometime between 1:00A-3:00A She actually falls asleep so I do as well
And 3 hours later.... it's time to wake up for school.

That alone should give everyone enough incentive to WEAR CONDOMS, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

I just want everyone reading this to know that no, the Black Eyed Peas song "My Hump" is definately NOT cool.

That is all.
 
     
6 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
02:48pm 01/11/2005
  Hello, hello, hello and happy delayed Halloween.

I spent Saturday through Monday in Tipton/Kokomo again. I'm back now but Jared is still there. And I somehow magically have Lexi. Amazing, eh??

Halloween was fun. We've never lived in a house that got many trick or treaters but last night we got a bajillion!!! I dressed Lexi up as a little red pepper that said "Hot Stuff" on the back. Hobbes had a sparkly little bow tie on so I called him a Chippendale stripper. Hahaha, good stuff.

Hanging out in Tipton was kinda fun. I was glad to see some familiar faces that I hadn't seen prolly since I moved here. But I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO glad that I am SO far away from them. Seriously, they're all selfish assholes who like to stir up trouble because they're bored. And for those of you still stuck there, just wait. When you get out you'll see it too. But I do miss just hanging out just doing stupid/crazy shit.

Jared and I's 8 month anniversary is this Saturday. Whoopdido.

I'm starving. Wendy's sounds so good. MmMmMmMmMmMmM.

I am so bored without Jared. Isn't that pathetic? He is like my only social life besides my daughter and dog. I have one girlfriend here but she's always has shit to do and has lots of drama. So I'm left. Watching reruns of the Golden Girls. Haha.

Feed me.
 
     
2 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
02:38pm 18/10/2005
  Ahh.... I skipped school today. And I don't give a shit :)

I pretty much haven't seen much of my daughter in like 4 days. People keep taking me from her!!! And Jared had her last night so I could actually sleep. Which fucking rocked hard.

Jared went to court. I can't understand that legal shit when it's being read 1,000,000 miles and hour. But after I started freaking out Jared explained it to me. With like 6 charges agianst him (some being really close to felonies) all he has to do is get a drug/alcohol evaluation and attend some classes. THAT'S FUCKING IT!!!!!!!! Gah.

I got drunk BOTH nights I was in Kokomo. I had 6 shots one night and 4 shots the next. Whiskey of course. I was plastered. Hahaha. I'm a lightweight and I'm not afraid to admit it. But I don't wanna drink for a long time. It's kinda lame and it kills my stomach. Plus I don't like having to rely on someone else taking care of Lexi. Nope, not one bit.


I'm glad I still get hit on. Even by people that knew I am a mommy. I honestly didn't think that guys were gonna be attracted to me once they found out that I have a child. But they did and that rocked. I STILL GOT IT ;)


I am pooped.
 
     
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05:27pm 12/10/2005
  I started school Tuesday again. I am so flippin tired.

Alex is good. I'm good. Jared is annoying me. Same old shit.

I'm coming back to Tipton again this Saturday and leaving Monday. Jared has court. So he's gonna drive up early Saturday morning and I will meet him later that night when I get out of school. I'm sure I will be bored so call me and I'll see what I can do about hanging out.

I'm so sorry this is short but I'm being rushed again.

Mommyhood has ruined my social life.

But it's worth it.
 
     
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03:47pm 04/10/2005
  Freakin monkey balls, I miss my computer at home!!!

I could totally be a better friend if I still had one at the residence.

This past like week Jared and I went to Kokomo to let his family see the baby. But on I think Friday, I GOT TRASHED. Hahaha. It was great. I was unbelieveably drunk off of 4 shots of whiskey. I honest to God don't remember a blessed thing. But maybe that's good. Don't worry, I wasn't a bad mommy. Jared and I talked about it before I did it. He stayed completely sober and took care of Lexi. So hah!

About two hours ago my mom smashed into Jared's Chrysler Sebring with her Mustang. There's a huge dent in his car and her bumper is fucked. She balled her eyes out because Jared is extremely anal about his car. But my mom said they will pay for it. But after Jared called his dad he found out that his dad bought him a better car with excellent gas mileage. But my parent's are still gonna get it fixed anyhow.

Alexandra is a progectile vomiter. It's really gross.

I noticed the other day that my life revolves around poop. Seriously. If Alex isn't poopin, I freak out (it could mean she's dehydrated). I clean up poop all day. Poop poop poop.

I can get pregant again tomorrow. Am I gonna??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck that.

This is gross but I don't care... one of my stiches from where I tore giving birth has grown into my skin, I think! GaH! That means they're gonna have to remove it and it's gonna be another two to three weeks until I can have sex. It's already been 4 weeks! Being a nympho with stiches SUCKS HUGE BALLS.

Ok, Jared's waiting on Lexi and I.

It was really good to see all of you again! And thank you for the gifts! You are all too good to me :)
 
     
4 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
02:05pm 20/09/2005
  Goodness, sorry. Having a baby takes up more time than I thought.

All is good now. There were some nights that I had to sleep in the rocking chair but she's finally slept a whole night in her own bed. I had to quit breastfeeding (thank GOD!) cause she wasn't eatin enough. And uhmmm... she still is fuckin gorgeous.

ATTENTION TO THOSE IN TIPTON
I am driving through October 2nd. Jared's sister, Ashley, is having her baby shower and Lexi and I are attending it. Since I drive through Tipton to get to Kokomo, I'll make some stops. I'm gonna leave as early as I can in the morning but I gotta be in Kokomo by 2 at THE LATEST. So, if you want an easy way to see the baby, make arrangements to be available on that day (which so happens to be a Sunday) and LET ME KNOW. Please don't expect me to just show up on your doorstep. That would be a little rude of me.

I'm skinnier than before. Which isn't that good. I look kinda sick. So I've been eating a lot of Krispy Kremes.

THE BELLY RING IS BACK!!!!!!!!! Whoo-hoo! I missed my little bit of dangly metal. I need to get some new ones though. The only one I have is the one that Nathan bought me before we started dating.

Jared's good I suppose. He's a dick but he's good. I'm still mad that he went to X-Fest when his daughter was 2 days old. Then he came home telling me about all the titties he saw and how many asses he grabbed. If I wouldn't have been ungodly sore and tired, he would have died right then.

KEITH- Sorry about American Idol. But I'm glad to read that you are really focusing on getting your career moving. I wish you the best of luck. I sure hope you make it farther than I did.

Note to all: Since I am super busy and only have internet access at the library, I might not be able to read/comment all the time. But I promise I will try my damndest!!!!

Lexi is starving. I must stuff her face now.

COME VISIT, DAMNIT!!!!!!!!
 
     
2 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
04:09pm 12/09/2005
  Well, today is my due date. Hahahahaha.

On Wednesday September 7th at 8:02 P.M. I had a baby girl!!!!!!

Her name is Alexandra Nichole Mote. She weighed 6 lbs and 6 1/2 ounces and was 19 inches long. She is the most gorgeous baby girl in the whole world, I promise. Labor sucked major ass up until they gave me my epidural. Then all was well and I didn't feel shit :) She's happy and healthy and likes to keep her mom up at night. But oh my god, do I love her.

When I delivered I weighed 135 lbs. I'm not sure what I weigh now but it's gotta be under 120. I look pretty good except I have a tiny little flab where the baby once was. But trust me, that'll be gone soon!!! I'm so glad to be back in my jeans!!!

Jared was a fuckin awesome dad when I was delievering. I seriously thought he was gonna faint but he was there 100%. It was only when they were stiching me up that he decided to not watch. I don't blame him there. And of course he stayed with me in the hospital which was complete hell. I couldn't leave the fucking women's ward. Oh lordy I was pissed.

Now, I'm not allowed to drive for 1 week and 2 days. Can't have sex but suprisingly enough, my sex drive has returned. So that COMPLETELY blows.

My boobs are flippin HUGE!!!! I'm Dolly Parton style. Oh, do they hurt.

I'm so glad she's here. Everyone should come see her and bask in the beauty that is my daughter.

She really is that pretty.

Ok, well she's fussin and we're at the library.

Thank you to everyone that was with me the whole way!!!!!!

Now, bring on the alcohol!!! Hahahaha.
 
     
14 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
12:27pm 07/09/2005
  Ok. Uhmmmmm... Hi.

I'm in labor.

Yeah, I just got back from the doctor's and he said I was dilated to 4 centimeters. And I'm only 5 days away from my due date. So I'm not exactly sure how he did it but he induced me.

Oh my fucking god it hurts. And my water hasn't even broken yet.

*faint*

But hopefully by tomorrow morning I will be an official mommy.

Holy fuck am I scared.

Jared is going to X-Fest on Saturday even though I'm popping tonight. What a cock.

I gotta go.

Wish me luck.

I might not be back for few days but I will be eventually!~

Ok.

I mean it.

Bye!
 
     
2 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
02:02pm 31/08/2005
  Ho hum. Things haven't been great lately.

Nothing impaticular really. I've just been depressed. Like back in the old days. It could be because I'm pregnant and can't take my meds or just the fact that I'm pregnant. Either way, I have been in the serious dumps. I don't want to do anything, Jared and I have been arguing a lot, I just hate my body... and I rarely smile. I don't like this. I hated it when depression was my life but after I got my ass in gear and everything was peachy, I was ok. I was genuinelly happy. I don't really know what the hell is going on.

Jared is in Kokomo right now. He left at like 5 this morning. He was supposed to go to court but I guess his lawyer called last night and said they were gonna get it settled outside of court. Uhmm... 6 charges get settled outside of court? Whatever. But he's not planning on being home till late tonight. I was gonna stay the night with him cause I don't have to go to school tomorrow but doesn't look too good right now.

God, I am so fucking lonely. I seriously feel like just crying right now.

I got home from Jared's last night and there was a voicemail on my phone. It was my Nichole. She couldn't remember when I am due but she knew it was soon and she just wanted to see how I was. I was so touched that she called, I cried. I really hope my hormones go back to normal.

This is my last week at school before my maternity leave starts. I found out that I can request to be induced if September 12th comes and the baby still isn't here. That's prolly what I am gonna do. I am unbelieveably miserable. My feet haven't hurt this bad since I danced on my tip-toes for 4-5 hours a day.

Heartburn is gay.

I bet you'll all be glad when I have this kid so I'll quit bitchin :) Nope, I'll just have new stuff to bitch about!

Welp, gotta drop some groceries off at the fiance's house. Toodles.
 
     
11 dreams| tell me your dreams
 
   
02:03pm 24/08/2005
  Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know it's been like over a week. I'm lazy :)

My hair is completely different. I got it all over colored a dark brown with blonde highlights. I'm not too fond of it, my parent's hate it, and Jared is completely obsessed with it. But it was just a beauty-school experiment. More to come!

Keith came to visit me last week. Which totally rocked hard. I'm sure he didn't have THAT great of a time because not much to do and I'm 8 1/2 months boring. But it was so unbelieveably awesome that he drove down here just to spend some time. And I'm sure he thinks I'm pathetic because of how "domestic" I've gone. BUT I WISH HIM ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD AT AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS!!!!

The last couple of days have been really rocky with Jared. We discovered some shocking/disgusting/terrifying news two days ago and it's been hard for me to deal with it, but I am. I was thisclose to calling it off and never letting him see the baby but then I calmed down and had a good talk with my mom. Cause my mom knows everything. And I would be so lost without her. But he had a job interview today at Wal-Mart so I hope all goes well for him!

I AM FULL-TERM!!!!
That pretty much means that all I'm doin now is waiting. And it sucks more than a hoover. But the baby has dropped and it is head-first now so that's good. OH! And we have names!!!

If it's a boy: Jackson Alexander
If it's a girl: Alexandra Nichole (we'll call her Lexi)

So at least that shit is ut of the way. Now all I have to do is write 1,000,000 thank you notes to Jared's family for my baby shower. EGAD.

I am so ready to not be pregnant. Sweet Jesus it isn't going fast enough.

Weather has been better. I'm actually thinking of going on a walk with my dad and Hobbes tonight. All three of us need it horribly. Especially the dog. He resembles the Goodyear blimp.
 
     
4 dreams| tell me your dreams